Sorek, A Shrek Parody
by kingdomdisney
Summary: A parody of Shrek, rated for author language. Sora, a scary ogre, sets off to rescue Princess Naminé with his talking hunkey, Roxas, from the hugon Xion for Lord Xemnas.
1. Once Upon A Time

_Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible hugon. Many brave knighted attempted had attempted to free her from this dreadful prevailed, but none prevailed. She waited in the hugon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss. _"Hahaha! Like that's ever gonna happen."

In an outhouse, toilet paper rustled, and a toilet flushed. "What a load of--" The door burst open and Sora the ogre stretched and yawned. He scratched his ass-ew-and shook a piece of paper off his foot. He looked proudly at his tree house…thing. He smiled and took a shower of mud-spitting "Haley Joel Osment" onto the stone next to him—cleaned his teeth with slug juice-making the glass crack, revealing the name "Jesse McCartney"-jumping into the swamp water, and farted-um, gross- He put on an innocent expression, and took a dead fish out of the water, and the plankton moved to form the words, "Meaghan Jette Martin." He cleaned out his mud-filled chimney, and a slug fell out. It was picked up to reveal the words, "Paul St. Peter." Sora, at sunset, painted a sign that said, "Beware Ogre," and after kissing it, set it up right in front of the house. He was blissfully unaware of the village men preparing to kill him as he ate his dinner (human eyeballs), burped in front of a match, causing the flame to go into the fireplace, and relaxing. When they knocked over a sign, he finally heard them, got up, walked to the window, went back inside, and went out the back door.

The men moved the reeds, revealing Sora's house.

"Think it's in there?"

"All right. Let's get it!"

"Whoa. Hold on," the man who had spoken first held back the eager man. "Do you know what that thing can do to you?"

"Yeah," another joined in. "It'll grind your bones for its bread."

Sora laughed, scaring them. "Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres—They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast," he informed them, ignoring the outbursts. It was all a friggin' lie, of course, but they didn't need to know that, did they?"

One of the brave *cough, foolish, cough* cried, "Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!"

Sora smirked, licked his thumb and forefinger, and put the torch out. "Right," the villager chuckled nervously. Sora roared, spitting on them. The villagers screamed while Sora wiped his mouth on his sleeve. When they stopped screaming, he whispered, "This is the part where you run away." The men gasped, and then sprinted. Sora laughed, then shouted after them, "And stay out!" He picked up a sign, reading out loud, "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." He sighed, and tossed it.


	2. A Flying, Talking Hunkey

The next day, guards and fairy tale creatures and villagers were gathered in the forest. The creatures were being lined up, handed in, and stacked into buses.

"Next!" Xaldin, Captain of Lord Xemnas' Guards, called, as he gave a man twenty silver pieces for a witch.

Roxas, a hunkey, watched in silence. Let me explain what hagons and hunkeys are. They are animals with human heads and animal ears, or they are humans with animal-like qualities. It really just depends on the world. In this one, they had only the human head. Here, they are also abnormally colored. For example, Roxas, instead of white, had gray. Throughout the parody, if a hunimal shows up, I will explain the combination. Like now: a hugon=a human/dragon combination. A hunkey=a human/donkey combination.

Back to the story. Roxas looked around fearfully, fearing death. He watched as Will, Elizabeth, and Cubby Huar (a huar=a human/bear combination) stood in their cages, Cubby complaining about the size of his cage. Will and Elizabeth were huars, but Cubby was fully human, liked to dress up as a bear, and would not be separated from his parents.

"Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again," Roxas begged Maleficent, his owner. "I can change. Please! Give me another chance!"

"Oh, shut up!" she snapped, whacking him on the head, causing him to moan, just before Pinocchio was turned in. And here I thought Gepetto was a good dad…

"Next!" Xaldin hollered. "What have you got?"

Maleficent walked up, taking Roxas with her. "Well, I've got a talking hunkey." Oh, one more thing about hunimals: they can't really talk, and are NORMAL in this land. It's quite ridiculous. Bring 'em to Earth, and watch 'em get shot!

"Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it."

"Oh, go ahead, little fella," Maleficent encouraged, but Roxas just stared up at her.

"Well?" Xaldin asked, skeptical.

"Oh, oh, he's just-He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-"

"That's it, I've heard enough. Guards!" Xaldin called.

"No! He talks! He does." Maleficent grabbed Roxas' mouth, and put on a fake voice. "I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw."

"Get her out of my sight," Xaldin ordered, ignoring Maleficent's protests. In her struggle, she accidentally kicked Tinkerbell's lamp, which bounced off Roxas' head, covering him with pixie dust, and he immediately started flying. "Hey! I can fly!" he cried.

"He can fly!" cried Peter Pan.

"He can fly!" cried the three little pigs, Fifer, Fiddler, and Practical.

"He can talk!" cried Xaldin. Jeez, lots of crying.

"Ha ha! That's right fool! Now I'm a flying, talking hunkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't ever seen a hunkey fly!" Roxas shouted to him. Then, his pixie dust started to fade away. "Uh-oh." He fell to the ground-hard. Ouch.

"Seize him!" Xaldin hollered, and all the guards ran towards Roxas. He tried to run, they caught him, he wrestled out, and managed to run. He ran into the forest, looking behind himself for the guards, but he ran into-

Sora's ass. Sora glared down at him, and if Roxas had been wearing pants, they would have been wet. But, the guards turned up, and he hid behind Sora. Xaldin and Sora stared at each other, and Xaldin broke the silence by saying, "You there! Ogre!"

"Aye?"

"By the order of Lord Xemnas, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated…resettlement facility." His voice wavered as he noticed Sora, who, even though he _was_ shorter than him, was pretty frickin' scary.

"Oh, really? You and what army?" Sora asked, giving a creepy smile. Xaldin looked over his shoulder to see that none of his men were around. When Roxas smiled, Xaldin gasped and ran.

Roxas allowed himself a chuckle, then noticed Sora stalking off. "Can I say something to you?" he called, running up to him. "Listen, you was really, really something' back there. Incredible!"

Sora angrily turned around and shouted, "Are you talking to-" he didn't see Roxas. He finished his sentence, "-me?" He turned back around and shouted, "Whoa!"

"Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was really great back there? Those guards!" Roxas stayed in front Sora as the ogre tried to get away from him. "They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods." Sora had managed to get around Roxas, but Roxas trotted next to him. "See, that really made me feel good to see that."

"Oh, that's great. Really," Sora said sarcastically.

"Man, it's good to be free," Roxas said happily.

"Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?" Sora ordered, walking off. Roxas stopped. "But, uh, I don't have any friends," he said awkwardly. "And I'm _not_ goin' out there by myself." Suddenly, an idea hit him. "Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you." He ran up to Sora, and onto the ledge next to him. "You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together, we'll scare the shit out of anybody that crosses us-"Actually, he didn't say 'shit;' he said spit.'

Sora took a deep breath, then he looked over at Roxas, and roared, which blew Roxas' fur back. "Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!" he yelled after an annoyed-slash-surprised Sora, who had stalked off. Sora kept walking, and was surprised when Roxas' head hung down (he was standing on a fallen tree), and was still talking. "Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-" he was interrupted by Sora placing a hand on his mouth, but he still continued to talk, he just wasn't understood. Sora took his hand off-"Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day."

"Why are you following me?" Sora cried, exasperated. Roxas moved his head out of the way, and Sora walked through.

"I'll tell you why," Roxas said, jumping off. "_Cause I'm all alone_," he sang. "_There's no one here beside me_." He walked in front of Sora, who sighed and stared down at him. "_My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends_-"

"Stop singing!" Sora shouted, grabbing Roxas' ears and tail. "Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends." He dropped him next to him.

"Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest," Roxas said, still oblivious to the fact that Sora wanted to murder him.

"Listen, little hunkey. Look at me. What am I?" Sora demanded throwing his arms out, like he was showing his mamma how much he loved her.

Roxas looked up, from his feet to his face. "Uh…Really tall?"

"No! I'm an ogre!" Wow, way to point out the obvious. Though, you have to with Roxas. "You know, 'Grab your torch and pitchforks.' Doesn't that bother you?"

Roxas shook his head and said, "Nope."

Sora looked at him like he had five heads. "Really?"

"Really, really."

"Oh." _First person to ever say that…._

"Man, I like you. What's your name?"

"Uh, Sora," he replied, and then started to walk off.

"Sora?" Roxas asked._ Take out the "x" in my name, and you got an anagram!_ "Well, you know what I like about you, Sora?" He ran to catch up. "You got that I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Sora. You all right." He ran up ahead, and got a good look at Sora's home. "Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?" he asked, obviously not liking it.

"That would be my home," Sora replied.

"Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful," Roxas said, trying to hide his shame. "You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder." He followed Sora down to the house, and stared at the sign. "I guess you don't entertain much, do you?"

"I like my privacy," Sora called over his shoulder, not stopping.

"You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. Then there's that big, awkward silence, you know-" Then he realized just how much of a hypocrite he was when Sora looked at him over his shoulder. He looked down, and then asked, "Can I stay with chou?"

"Uh, what?" Sora asked, confused.

"Can I stay with chou, please?" Roxas asked, putting on an innocent expression.

"Of course!" Sora cried.

"Really?" Roxas perked up.

"No." Sora turned, but Roxas cried, "Please! I don't wanna go back there!" He ran up to Sora and reared up on his hind legs, and slammed him against the door. "You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak." He gave Sora a look over as he was given an odd look. "Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!" he begged-slash-shouted,

"Okay! Okay!" Sora relented. "But one night only."

Roxas ran in as the door was opened, saying, "Ah! Thank you!"

"What are you—No! No!" Sora shouted as Roxas sat in his chair, saying, "This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' many stories, and in the mornin'-" he sat down-I'm makin' waffles." Sora groaned as he made the movement with his hands of strangling Roxas' neck. "Where do, uh, I sleep?"

"Outside!" shouted Sora, pointing.

"Oh," Roxas said, sad, "well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know." He gave a fake sniffle, and said "sadly," "Here I go." He trotted out, "miserable." "Good night." He sat down, and gave a great big sigh. Even through the closed door, Sora could still hear Roxas say, "I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a hunkey. I was born outside." He ignored the rest of Roxas' fake testimony, and settled down for the night. He also ignored the singing.


	3. What Are You Doing In My Swamp?

The pot bubbled over the fire as Sora dropped an eyeball into his martini. He drank the whole thing and stared at his dinner of stuff that I can't even tell what any of it is. He looked at the door, thinking of Roxas. He sat down and sighed, contemplating. He smiled, and pulled earwax out of his ear, and turned it into a candle. He picked up his knife and fork, and started to eat. Roxas, who was looking in the window, got down, and walked to the door, sitting down, and went to go to sleep.

As Sora kept eating, the door creaked. He sighed, and shouted, "I thought I told you to stay outside." He walked over to the door.

Roxas, who had gone to the window, shouted back, "I am outside." There was a clatter, and Sora turned around to see a shadow. He walked over to the table, then, when he saw another shadow, he looked under it. "Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?" Sora heard from on the table, and gasped when he saw three mice wearing sunglasses and carrying white sticks. The one who had been talking fell over a log as he saw another say, "It's not home, but it'll do just fine." That one knocked over the jar of eyeballs. Jeez, how gross can this ogre get? The last one, sitting on the slug, bounced up and down on it, saying, "What a lovely bed."

"Got ya," Sora cried as he grabbed the slug-one. He opened his hand to see that it was gone and by his ear, sniffing it, and it said, "I found some cheese." He bit his ear, and Sora shouted, "Ow!" grabbed for it, and it was suddenly on his other shoulder, saying, "Blah! Awful stuff." It jumped off and bounced off a spoon onto the table, landing on its ass, and sprayed some brown stuff into Sora's eye.

"Is that you, Gorder?" the one who spoke first said.

"How did you know?"

"Enough!" Sora shouted, grabbing all three of them by their tails. "What are you doing in my house?" He was bumped by Snow White's coffin, and grunted, dropping them. "Hey!" he shouted, turning, and seeing the seven dwarfs. Doc snickered and waved. "Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table," he said, nearly pushing her off.

"Where are we supposed to put her? The bedroom's taken," Doc informed hmi, pushing her back on.

"Huh?" Sora walked over to his bed, pulled back the curtain, and gasped. There, sitting in his bed, was Zeke Midas Wolf—in a dress and nightcap. "What?" he asked. Sora grabbed him by the collar, and said angrily, "I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!" He pushed the door open. "What do I have to do to get a little privacy?" He threw Zeke, and when he looked at his front garden, his heart sank. "Oh, no." All the fairy tale creatures were camped outside his front garden. "Oh, no. No! No!" He dove out of the way of the witches, and looked around his yard. "What?" Pied Piper played his flute, and all the rats came to him. Will Huar comforted Cubby, who was crying over the loss of his mother around a campfire.

"What are you doing in my swamp?" Sora shouted as he got up. _Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!_ echoed around as they stared at him. They all gasped, and Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather flew into their tent, and two elves hid behind a tree, hugging each other.

"All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya!" he ushered. "Hey!" he shouted as pixies and elves ran to his house. "No, no. No, no. Not there. Not there." As he ran towards them, they closed the door, and one pixie slammed into the door, and fell to the ground. He tried to open it, and sighed when he realized they had locked it. Sora turned around, and glared at Roxas, who protested, "Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them."

"Oh, gosh, no one invited us," Pinocchio spoke up.

"What?" Sora shouted, stalking towards him.

"We were forced to come here," the little puppet said.

"By who?"

"Lord Xemnas," said Fifer Pig (the one with the yellow kerchief). "He huffed und he puffed und he…signed an eviction notice."

Sora sighed, and said, "All right. Who knows where this Xemnas guy is?" The crowd murmured, and Roxas, looking around, cried, "Oh, I do. I know where he is."

Sora, obviously reluctant to take Roxas with him, asked, "Does anyone else know where to find him?" Cubby raised his hand, but Will forced it down. Zeke and a wizard pointed at each other. "Anyone at all?"

"Me! Me!" Roxas jumped up and down.

"Anyone?"

"Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!"

Sora sighed, and reluctantly surrendered. "Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Xemnas right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!" A hush fell over the crowd, and then they cheered. Birds came over and draped Sora with a cloak over flowers, and laid it on his shoulders. He cried, "Oh! You!" he pointed to Roxas. "You're comin' with me." He took off the cloak as Roxas said, "All right, that's what I like to hear, man." They walked through a part in the crowd-well, Sora stalked, Roxas trotted-and he still talked, saying, "Sora and Roxas, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! _On the road again_. Sing it with me, Sora. _I can't wait to get on the road again._"

"What did I say about singing?" Sora twirled around, torch in hand, on a log.

"Can I whistle?"

"No."

"Can I hum it?"

"All right, hum it," Sora surrendered. Roxas hummed the rest of the night.


	4. Lord Xemnas

Lexaeus grunted as he slammed the glass onto the table.

Boots stomped onto the floor.

Milk was poured.

Gloves were pulled.

Quite dramatic, isn't it?

Lord Xemnas stared around him with his amber-orange eyes that would stare into your soul. The guards stopped talking as they saw him coming down the hallway, and immediately sprang to attention, and moved aside. But you know what was funny? These guards were following orders-slash-scared of a four-foot-two-inches tall man. That and the man was obsessed with pink.

Xemnas flung the doors open and watched evilly as Lexaeus dunked a Gingerbread Man into the glass of milk. "That's enough," he said after a few seconds, holding his hand up in the commonly-known "stop" sign and walking towards them. "He's ready to talk."

Lexaeus turned around, and the camera zoomed to the face of the coughing, amputated-from-the-knees-down Demyx, the Gingerbread Man. Still coughing, he was slammed onto a tray as Xemnas laughed maniacally. He stopped laughing as he reached the table, annoyed, and cleared his throat. Lexaeus lowered the table like he would a drawbridge. Jeez, this guy is short (sorry to all those shorter, or as tall, or a little taller than him. I'm over five foot, so he would naturally seem short.) He took his hands out from behind his back, revealing Demyx's calves. "Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Gingerbread Man!" he taunted, moving the kegs to make them look like they were running.

"You're a monster," Demyx cried.

"I'm not the monster here. You are," Xemnas shot back, throwing one of the legs at him, crushing the other one. "You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, ruining my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?" He got right into Demyx's face.

"Eat me!" Demyx retorted, spitting into Xemnas' face. Xemnas wiped it off, grunting, and growled, walking around the table, "I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll-" he grabbed on of Demyx's little, neon-yellow gumdrop buttons.

"No, no, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons," Demyx wailed.

"All right then. Who's hiding them?" Xemnas demanded, adjusting the light so it shined on Demyx.

"Okay, I'll tell you," Demyx surrendered, sitting up. "Do you know the muffin man?"

"The muffin man?" Xemnas asked, sprinting to face Demyx.

"The muffin man." Demyx nodded.

"Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?" Xemnas muttered.

"Well, she's married to the muffin man," Demyx said, stalling.

"The muffin man?"

"The muffin man!" Demyx shouted.

"She's married to the muffin man," Xemnas stated, right before the door opened.

"My lord!" Xaldin cried, running into the room. "We found it."

Xemnas went from angry to ecstatic. "Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in."

Xaldin grunted as he lifted a mirror onto a hook, and stepped back so Xemnas could walk forward, and watch in awe as the Magic Mirror came to life with a whirl of smoke. Everyone gasped, including Demyx, who said, "Oh!" in awe and in shock.

"Magic mirror-" Xemnas started, but Demyx interrupted. "Don't tell him anything! No!" he cried as Xemnas knocked him into a trash can. He ignored the cries of the cookie, and greeted the mirror. "Evening." He walked forward.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" he asked, very grand.

"Well, technically, you're not a king," it replied.

Xemnas said, "Uh, Lexaeus." The burly man lifted up a tiny, handheld mirror, and punched it, causing the glass to shatter and the Mirror Face to shrink back in fright. "You were saying?"

"What I mean is, uh, you're not a king yet. Huh. But-But you can become on. All you have to do is marry a princess," the Mirror corrected.

"Go on," Xemnas ordered, intrigued. Mirror gave a chuckle, and said, "So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!" The face went away to reveal three dull photos of three maidens

"Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

"Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of the fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!

"And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery blonde from a hugon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Naminé!

"So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?"

Guards shouted numbers, as Xemnas took Lexaeus' advice and said, "Okay, okay, uh, number three!"

"Lord Xemnas, you've chosen Princess Naminé," the Mirror proclaimed. As the crowd cheered, Xemnas whispered, "Princess Naminé. She's perfect." He turned away from the Mirror, and muttered, "All I have to do is just find someone who can go-" He ignored the Mirror's warning. "But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night."

"I'll do it!" Xemnas proclaimed, ignoring, "Yes, but after sunset-"

"Silence! I will make this Princess Naminé my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament."


	5. The Kingdom of DuLoc

Sora and Roxas emerged from the fields as Roxas said, "But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it."

"So, that must be Lord Xemnas' castle," Sora remarked, looking at the larger-than-fucking-life castle.

"Uh-huh. That's the place," Roxas replied.

"Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?" He laughed, then when he realized Roxas didn't get it, he groaned and continued walking. Once Roxas realized that Sora was walking away, he cried, "Hey, wait. Wait up, Sora."

They reached the entrance to DuLoc, where a man wearing a huge, wooden head of Lord Xemnas. "Hey, you!" Sora called, holding his hand out. The man wearing the wooden Xemnas head screamed, and ran through the lines, ignoring Sora saying, "Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-I just-" the man kept cutting him off with his whimpering. Sora sighed, then walked in a straight line, pulling the velvet line makers-you know, like you see at a Regal Movie Theater-with Roxas following him. The man with the Xemnas head ran into the turnstile and fell over.

The odd pair walked through the turnstile. Sora walked through without a problem, but Roxas got stuck, and twirled a few times before falling to the ground. Sora sighed, and then walked off, Roxas following him.

I'm not even going to try to describe what Duloc looks like. It's really fancy, and would take too-freaking-long. All I'm going to say is that it was a little too much. Sora looked around, and commented suspiciously, "It's quiet. Too quiet." A sign creaked. "Where is everybody?"

"Hey look at this!" Roxas cried, running over to an information box. He pulled the handle, and ran behind Sora, who had followed. They heard a clicking, and it got faster and faster, and the two acquaintances watched-Sora freaked out, Roxas scared. Suddenly, the doors opened, revealing dolls, who sang, "_Welcome to DuLoc, such a perfect town. Here we have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine. DuLoc is a perfect place. Please keep off the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your...face. _(A/N: you thought they were going to say 'ass,' didn't you?)_ DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect place!_" The song ended, and the door closed, leaving Sora even **more** freaked out, and Roxas enchanted. A camera went off, and a photo came out from underneath the doors.

"Wow! Let's do that again!" Roxas shouted, running forward. Sora grabbed his tail, shouting, "No. No. No, no, no! No." The two heard a trumpet go off, and they looked in the direction of the castle. They heard a crowd cheering, and Lord Xemnas say, "Brave knights." They walked over, Roxas humming, as Xemnas said, "You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself-"

"All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom," Sora admonished.

"Sorry about that," Roxas apologized, and they looked up and walked forward when they heard the crowd cheering. Xemnas continued, "That champion shall have the honor-no, no-the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Naminé from the fiery keep of the hugon. If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice

I am willing to make." The crowd cheered as Xemnas smirked. "Let the tournament begin!" Sora walked forward, with Roxas in tow. He pushed his way through the knights, who became scared, and made his way to Xemnas. "What is that?" Xemnas asked as the crowd gasped. "Oh! It's hideous!"

"Ah, that's not very nice," Sora admonished. He looked at Roxas, then looked back at Xemnas. "It's only a hunkey." "Huh?" Roxas muttered.

"Indeed," Xemnas replied. "Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre and the hunkey will be named champion! Have at them!" Sora and Roxas gasped, but readied themselves as the knights advanced.

"Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now." Sora tried to get through to them, but ended up backing up into a bar. With an idea in his head, he smiled, and picked up one of the iron glasses. "Can't we just settle this over a pint?" he asked, brandishing it, not even noticing Roxas run off. They paid no attention to his words, and kept advancing. "No? All right then," Sora said, drinking all the beer. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and cried, "Come on!" as he hit the latch down with the glass. Beer flew out of the keg, and the majority of the knights became drenched. Sora ran, knocked more of the keg off, causing it to pour more beer, and ran past the knights who were lying on the floor. He grabbed a lance, and hit a knight, knocking him to the ground, Roxas was on top of. It started to roll with Roxas walking on top of it, and he immediately squashed two knights. Xemnas watched in amazement, awe, and fury. Sora watched as Roxas unintentionally squashed knights, smiling, and ran to the wrestling ring. He leaped into it as the horses ran off, and backed up into the ring ropes as two knights came in after him. He let go, and knocked them to the floor by hitting them both with his arms. He ignored the crowd's boo-ing as another knight came towards him. He jumped like he was gonna do a sidekick with both feet, but landed on top of him. Roxas watched happily, having somehow gotten down after squashing knights as Sora jumped off the top rope and landed on another knight. One of the knights raised his spear, and the crowd gasped. Sora grabbed the spear and the man by the neck. "Hey, Sora, tag me! Tag me!" Roxas called as Sora lifted the guy up. Sora, holding the man with his arms looped underneath the knight's arms, carried him over to the hunkey, who head butted the knight. The crowd cheered, and Sora looked at them and cried, "Ah!" He lifted his arms up in recognition and laughed. He suddenly realized that there was a knight with a sword behind him. He turned, jumped with his legs on the guy's shoulders, and the two fell to the ground. "The chair! Give him the chair!" an old lady cried. Sora slammed the chair onto the knight's head, and Xemnas held his head in one hand. He threw another into the ring ropes, then threw him and himself to the ground, and lots of other violent things. A bell dinged as Roxas kicked the last knight.

Sora leaped out of the ring, and the hunkey and the ogre walked to where they had been standing when Xemnas ordered the knights to kill them. Sora reveled in the spotlight as Xemnas watched with curiosity. "Thank you! Thank you very much!" Sora cried. "I'm here til Thursday! Try the veal! Ha, ha!" Xemnas waved his hand, and guards cocked their guns and arrows, aiming at the pair. The crowd gasped. Sora glared up at Xemnas as Roxas hid behind him.

"Shall I give the order, sir?" Xaldin asked.

Xemnas replied, "No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!" The crowd cheered as Sora cried, "What?"

"Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest," Xemnas congratulated.

"Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back," Sora cried.

"Your swamp?" Xemnas asked.

"Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!"

"Indeed," Xemnas murmured. "All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back."

"Exactly the way it was?" Sora questioned.

"Down to the last slime-covered toadstool."

"And the squatters?"

"As good as gone."

Sora looked at him, then at the men with guns, then asked, "What kind of quest?"


	6. Ogres Are Like Onions

"Okay, let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a hugon, and rescue a princess just so Xemnas will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place," Roxas said as they walked through a garden. "Is that about right?"

"Maybe there's a good reason hunkeys shouldn't talk," Sora said, stalking off.

"I don't get it, Sora. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Y'know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip."

Sora, who was eating an onion, said, "Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?"

"Uh, no, not really, no," Roxas replied.

"For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think."

"Example?"

"Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions." Sora shoved his treat into the blonde's face, who sniffed. "They stink?" Roxas asked.

"Yes-No!"

"They make you cry?"

"No!"

"Oh! You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs."

"No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers." Sora sighed, and threw the onion to the ground and walked off.

"Oh, you both have _layers_. Oh," Roxas finally realized. He sniffed the onion. "You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers." He ran to catch up to the green man.

"I don't care…what everybody likes. Ogres are not like cakes." Sora walked away.

"You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, say, 'Let's get some parfait,' they say, 'Hey, no, I don't like no parfait?' Parfaits are delicious."

"No!" Sora had finally lost his temper. "You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later." He walked off, leaving Roxas hurt and confused. He suddenly became happy, and said, "Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet." He ran up.

"You know, I think I preferred your humming," Sora remarked.

"Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering."

They walked past a windmill during the day, down hills during sunset, past rocks at night, and camped out once the rocks were gone. Roxas peed and made the fire go out in the morning, and then they made their way to the castle. As they started the looooong walk up, Roxas looked happily around, Sora stalked. As they neared the top, Roxas suddenly cried, "Ooh! Sora! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything."

"Believe me, Roxas, if it was me, you'd be dead," Sora replied dryly. He sniffed and declared, "It's brimstone. We must be getting close."

"Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither," Roxas said as they reached the top. Sora pulled himself up, and so did Roxas, and they saw a rickety bridge over a moat of lava and a huge castle.

"Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location," Sora said, laughing. He leaped over as Roxas said, "Uh, Sora? Uh, remember when you said that-that ogres have layers?"

"Oh, aye," Sora said, making his way over to the bridge.

"Well, I have a bit of a confession to make, um. Hunkeys don't have layers. We-we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves." Roxas hurried forward.

"Wait a second. Hunkeys don't have sleeves," Sora joked.

"You know what I mean," Roxas said forcefully.

"Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights," Sora said.

"No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!" Roxas replied, staring at the moat.

"Come on, Roxas. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support," Sora was already on the bridge, and let Roxas go in front of him, "we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"Okay, that makes me feel so much better," Roxas thanked.

"Just keep moving," Sora advised. "And don't look down." The two of them made their way across the bridge.

"Okay, don't look down," Roxas muttered. "Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down." Roxas' hoof fell through an unsteady wicket and he gasped. His whole body leaned forward, and the next thing he knew was that he was looking at lava. "Sora! I'm lookin' down!" He screamed, turned, and wailed, "Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now please!"

"But you're already halfway," Sora protested.

"Yeah, but I know _that_ half is safe!"

"Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back," Sora surrendered. He started to walk when Roxas cried, "Sora, no! Wait!"

"Just, Roxas-" They kept walking, Roxas backwards, towards the castle. "Let's have a dance then, shall we?

"Don't do that!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?" Sora rocked the bridge side-to-side.

"Yes, that!"

"Yes? Yes, do it. Okay," Sora tormented, and continued. Roxas screamed. "No, Sora! No! Stop it!"

"You said do it! I'm doin' it." Sora advanced and Roxas kept walking backwards, moaning, "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Sora, I'm gonna die." He backed onto the land, and opened one eye. "Oh!" he murmured, suddenly happy. Sora stood in front of him and patted his face. "That'll do, Roxas. That'll do," he said, and walked past him, smiling. Roxas looked at Sora, then at the bridge, then back at Sora. He grinned, and said, "Cool," then hurried after the ogre. "So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?" he asked as they started to enter the castle.

"Inside, waiting for us to rescue her," Sora replied. He chuckled.

"I was talkin' about the hugon, Sora."


	7. The Hugon's Keep

Water dripped as Sora and Roxas walked inside the castle. Armor with bones sticking out lay everywhere, and the whole place was in need of a whole lot of decorating.

"You afraid?" Roxas whispered.

"No, but-Shh." Sora put his index finger over his mouth.

"Oh good. Me neither." Roxas gasped as he realized Sora had walked off. He hurried to catch up, saying, "'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a hugon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean?" Sora didn't say anything, but just kept walking up stairs.

"I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that," Roxas continued. He gasped as he knocked over a suit of armor, causing Sora to cringe.

Shut…up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs," Sora ordered, taking the helmet off Roxas' head and putting it on his own.

"Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess," Roxas questioned.

"The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room of the tallest tower," Sora replied, gathering up the rest off the armor.

"What makes you think she'll be there?" Roxas asked as Sora put the armor on.

"I read it in a book once," Sora called over his shoulder, walking away.

"Cool. You handle the hugon, I'll handle the stairs," Roxas said, walking away. "I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs wont know which way they're goin'."

The door creaked, and Roxas looked inside, and went in, saying, "I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it." He didn't notice that a blue eye-no white, just soft blue with a pupil-had opened, and was staring at him. Xion thought, _Ooh, a meal_.

Sora was fixing his armor when he saw the tower. "Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the-"

"Hugon!" Roxas screamed and ran, screaming, as Alice blew fire. He sprinted as Alice knocked a huge hole in the wall and stalked after him, roaring.

Apparently, she's one of the normal hunimals.

Sora turned, and his eyes widened with shock when he saw Roxas sprinting, with the yellow-scaled hugon with WAY to much gold eye-shadow. Xion reared back and spat fire at them, and Sora screamed, "Roxas, look out!" He pushed the hunkey out, and screamed as the fire nearly hit him. Roxas turned and walked backwards as Xion resumed stalking him. He kneeled and covered his eyes with his hooves, his butt sticking up in the air, screaming. She breathed another fire-bomb, and Roxas' blond tail-hair caught on fire. He whimpered as she came closer and closer, but she was interrupted when Sora grabbed her tail. "Got ya!" he cried, and she roared. Roxas looked up to see he was about to be stepped on, and gasped as he moved out of the way, and sprinted away.

Sora was lifted into the air, but didn't let go. He shouted, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" He screamed as he flew off, and guess where he landed?

He fell through the roof of the highest room in the tallest tower.

He fell to the ground, unaware that someone was watching him.

Xion roared, and breathed fire through a doorway, as the ogre was lost to her. Roxas sprinted as the fire followed him across a bridge. He gasped as Xion knocked the rest of it off. He turned to see Xion knock that end off, leaving him stranded, but he wasn't about to get burned; the fire had been extinguished. He cried, "Ooh! Ah! Ah!" but not like a monkey. He was crying in fear, and he trembled in fear as Alice loomed above him. He hadn't seen her face yet, and he didn't really want to. It meant he would be eaten.

Xion growled above him, and Roxas cried, "No. Oh, no. No!" His foot fell off, but he managed to regain his balance to see her pointy teeth. "Oh, what large teeth you have," he said, and she growled in reply. "I mean, white, sparkling teeth," he said, smiling, trying to stall. "I know you hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-" Xion showed him her face, and surprised, he said, "You're a girl hugon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl hugon. 'Cause you're just reeking of feminine beauty." She batted her eyelashes, and Roxas, confused, asked, "What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?" She snorted some smoke into the shape of a heart, and Roxas said, "Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-" he coughed-"I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Sora!" Xion gently bit his tail, and she stomped off, and, scared, he cried, "No! Sora! Sora!"


	8. Rescuing the Princess

Sora groaned and sighed as he shook himself, getting over the shock of the fall. He didn't realize that Princess Naminé was staring at him. She looked at him, vocalists from the air somewhere started to sing, and watched as he got up. She quickly lay down, smoothed her dress, closed her eyes, grabbed flowers, looked at him once more, and lay down as if sleeping, like Snow White. Sora turned around, and looked. He walked forward, leaned over her, and she puckered her lips as he shook her.

Totally ruined the moment.

"Wake up!" he cried.

"What?" she asked, peeved.

"Are you Princess Naminé?" Sora asked, not taking his helmet off.

"I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me," she replied dreamily.

"Oh, that's nice," he said kindly, then snapped, "Now let's go!" He got up, started to walk out when she quickly sat up and cried, "But wait, Sir Knight." He turned to hear her say, "This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?"

"Yeah, sorry lady," he replied uneasily. "There's no time." He grabbed her and dragged her off the bed, ignoring her protesting, "Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed."

"You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?" Sora asked.

"Mm-hmm." She screamed and he grunted as he broke the door down, and the two of them ran , while she yelled, "But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!" She tore her hand away from his.

"I don't think so."

Naminé calmed down, and asked, "Can I at least know the name of my champion?"

"Um, Sora."

"Sir Sora." She cleared her throat. "I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude," she declared, brandishing a hankie. He took it, looked at it, said, "Thanks!" and used it to wipe his ash-covered face. He gave it back, and she took it, showing disgust. Suddenly, they heard Alice roaring.

"You didn't slay the hugon?" Naminé asked, furious and incredulous.

"It's on my to-do list. Now come on!" Sora shouted back, grabbing her hand, sprinting away.

"But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did," she protested.

"Yeah, right before they burst into flame," Sora reminded her as they passed a skeleton.

"Ugh, that's not the point! Oh!" she cried, pulling away. "Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there."

"Well, I have to save my ass," he replied.

Shocked, Naminé demanded, "What kind of knight are you?"

"One of a kind." Sora opened the door, and heard Roxas.

"Slow down. Slow down, baby, please." Sora saw that they were in Xion's treasury, and he was above them. "I believe it's healthy to get to know somebody over a long period of time. Just call me old fashioned." Roxas laughed, and Sora walked forward, getting a better view of them. "I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time." Sora, who was on a balcony, climbed onto a chain, and Roxas continued, unaware of Sora's presence. "We should really get to know each other first as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know? 'Cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards-" Sora swung above their heads, and Roxas still didn't notice him, saying, "I'd really love to stay, but-" Xion bit his tail. "Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail! You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission-what are you going to do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No!" Sora climbed up the chain, towards the turning-thingy. You know, the thing that lifts up a drawbridge? He tugged, and he started to go down. He knocked Roxas out of the way, and Xion, who had been about to kiss Roxas, kissed Sora's butt. Sora looked up in alarm, and when Xion opened her eyes, they narrowed in anger. She growled, and Sora let go of the chain, and the chandelier went around her neck like a leash and collar. She looked at it, then roared as Sora jumped off and landed next to a smiling Roxas.

The two of them ran up the stairs, and they kept running as Xion breathed fire. Sora, who had wrapped his arm around Roxas, jumped into a hole, and ran to where Naminé was. He grabbed her with his other arm, and he ran.

"Hi, Princess!" Roxas greeted with a grin.

"It talks!" Naminé replied, amazed.

"Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick," Sora informed her, still running. He stopped as they teetered over a big pipe with no floor. The males looked back, and Roxas screamed and Sora jumped as Xion crashed through the wall. Sora slid on his butt on the pipe and ignored Roxas' screaming, and at one point, Sora's nuts were, um, scraped. Sora groaned as they landed, but he kept running, Xion stalking them on all fours.

The trio ran all over the place, and made a mess with the chains. As they neared the exit, Sora gasped, "Okay, you two, head for the exit!" He put Roxas and Naminé down, and the duo ran. He plucked a sword out of the floor, and said bravely, "I'll take care of the hugon." He slammed it in the middle of the chains, and ran towards Naminé and Roxas, in slooooooooooooooooow mooooooooooootion, crying, "Run!" The speed returned to normal, and Xion breathed fire at them. They ran onto the bridge, and it burned the bridge right behind them. It was too much weight, and the half that they were running to fell down, and the trio hung on desperately. Except for Roxas, who fell as he had no fingers, and had to be grabbed by the tail by Sora. He watched, upside-down, as Xion tried to fly towards them, but the sword prevented her from doing so. Xion flew back to the castle, and watched as her lover, her prisoner, and her enemy escaped. She whimpered with sadness.


	9. Remove Your Helmet

Naminé slid down the rock, and cried, "You did it!" She ran forward, crying, "You rescued me! You're amazing! You're-" Roxas fell down like he was somersaulting, and she continued as Sora slid down and accidentally fell on Roxas, "You're wonderful. You're…" she turned around, and walked forward. "…a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed us great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt." She curtsied, and Roxas cleared his throat, and she turned around to declare and hug him, "And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?"

"Aw, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed," he said, touched. Naminé chuckled as Sora rolled his eyes. She stood up and cried, "The battle is won. You may remove you helmet, good Sir Knight." Roxas had a panicky look on his face, and Sora awkwardly said, "Uh, no."

"Why not?"

"I…I have helmet hair."

"Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer."

Sora backed up, saying, "No, no, you wouldn't-'st."

"But how will you kiss me?"

Sora was shocked. "What? That wasn't in the job description," he said to Roxas.

"Maybe it's a perk," Roxas suggested.

"No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes," Naminé said, as Sora shrugged helplessly at Roxas. "A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss."

"Hmm? With Sora? You think-Wait," Roxas said. "Wait. You think that Sora is your true love?"

"Well, yes," she confirmed.

Sora and Roxas looked at one another, and then…

They burst out laughing. "You think Sora is your true love!" Roxas wheezed.

"What is so funny?" Naminé asked, confused.

"Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?" Sora said, recovering.

"Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-Now remove your helmet," she commanded.

"Look. I really don't think this is a good idea," Sora said.

"Just take off the helmet."

"I'm not going to."

"Take it off."

"No!"

"Now!" she said forcefully.

"Okay!" Sora surrendered. "Easy. As you command, Your Highness." He shook his head, and took off the helmet. She stared in shock, then looked away, then looked back. He smiled creepily, trying to break the tension.

"You-You're a-an ogre," she said. Thank you, for stating the obvious.

"Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming," Sora teasingly stated.

"Well, yes, actually. Except-" she gave up, and didn't explain further. Well, until she said, "Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre." She walked over to a rock, and Sora sighed and explained, "Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Xemnas, okay? He's the one who wants to marry you."

"Well, then why didn't he come rescue me?"

Sora, stumped, but witty to the bitter end, said, "Good question. You should ask him that when we get there." He continued to take his armor off while walking away.

"But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre, and his-his pet," Naminé snapped, while Sora mocked her.

"Well, so much for noble steed," Roxas cracked, ticked off.

"Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier," Sora said, walking towards her.

"Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Xemnas that is he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here," Naminé said, and promptly sat down on that rock.

"Hey!" Sora snapped. "I'm no one's messenger boy." He stalked over to her as Roxas watched anxiously. He whispered, "I'm a delivery boy."

"You wouldn't dare." He picked her up, and slung her over his shoulder, and she screamed, "Put me down!"

"Ya coming, Roxas?" Sora asked, walking away.

"I'm right behind ya," Roxas said, literally walking behind him.

Naminé kept punching Sora's back, and screeched, "Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!"

A few hours later, she had given up, and it was late afternoon. She was still slung over Sora's shoulder. She was now answering Roxas' questions, and was bored.

"Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her _that_ way. Now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How you do that?"

"You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your-" Sora moved his shoulder slightly, and he got the reaction he wanted. "Hey!" she cried. She sighed; he had been doing that for a while. "The sooner we get to DuLoc the better," she said, annoyed.

"You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!" Roxas informed.

"And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Xemnas? What's he like?" Naminé asked, curious.

"Well, let me put it this way, Princess," Sora said, dropping her and walking to a lake. "Men of Xemnas' stature are in _short_ supply." Sora and Roxas laughed, Naminé got up and dusted herself off and Roxas replied, "I don't know, Sora. There are those who think _little_ of him." Sora's face came up from the water, and the ogre and hunkey laughed.

Naminé had had enough. "Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Xemnas," she snapped.

"Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the 'measuring' when you see him tomorrow," Sora cracked.

"Tomorrow? It'll take that long?" Naminé asked, staring nervously at the setting sun. "Shouldn't we stop to make camp?"

"No, that'll take longer," Sora stated, as if it were obvious. "We can keep going."

"But…there's robbers in the woods," she protested.

"Whoa! Time out, Sora! Camping's starting to sound good," Roxas interfered.

"Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest," Sora reasoned, but turned to see Naminé in his face, screaming, "I need to find somewhere to camp now!" Sora and Roxas were actually scared, and birds fluttered in the distance.


	10. Campfire

Sora rolled the boulder away, grunting. "Hey! Over here!" he called as Roxas and Naminé walked over.

"Sora, we can do better than that," Roxas protested. "Now I don't think this is fit for a princess."

Naminé, looking at the sun, claimed, "No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches." She hurried over to a tree as Sora asked, "Homey touches? Like what?" They heard a crash, and they looked at her as she held a HUGE piece of bark. "A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night," Naminé said, disappearing inside and slamming the bark in front of the opening.

"Um, you want me to read you a bedtime story? 'Cause I will," Roxas offered.

"I said good night!" she snapped. Sora looked at the doorway, then at the boulder. He smiled and started to move the boulder. "Sora, what are you doing?" Roxas demanded, furious. Sora laughed nervously. "I just-You know-Oh, come on," he defended. "I was just kidding." He walked away, and Roxas shook his head at him.

Later, at night, the fire crackled as Sora and Roxas lay on their backs, stargazing. "And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields," Sora told Roxas.

"Right. Yeah," Roxas said uncomfortably. "Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?"

"Well, the stars don't tell the future, Roxas. They tell stories," Sora explained. "Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for."

"All right, now I know you're making this up."

"No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench," Sora pointed out.

"Aw, that ain't nothin' but a little bunch of dots," Roxas denied.

"You know, Roxas, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?" When Roxas just looked at him, confused, he said, "Forget it."

Roxas sighed, then asked, "Hey, Sora, what are we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?"

"Huh, our swamp?"

"You know, when we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff."

"We? Roxas, there's no 'we.' There's no 'our.' There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land." Sora turned away.

Roxas stood up, and somberly said, "You cut me deep, Sora. You cut me real deep just now." He smiled, and walked over to him. "And you know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out."

"No, do ya think?" Sora asked sarcastically, then turned around again.

"Are you hidin' something?" Roxas asked.

"Never mind, Roxas."

"Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?"

"No, this is one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things."

"Well why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Why do you want to talk about it?"

"Well why you blocking?"

"I'm not blocking."

"Oh, yes, you are."

"Roxas, I'm warning you."

"Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Sora. Who?"

"Everyone! Okay?" Sora's temper snapped.

"Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere," Roxas said.

"Oh! For the love of Pete!" Neither of then were aware that a green woman had opened her door. Sora stalked away.

"Hey, what's you're problem, Sora? What you got against the whole world, anyway, huh?"

"Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me," Sora snapped, sitting on the edge of the cliff. "People take one look at me and go, 'Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!'" He sighed, and said sadly, "They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone." The woman watched, her blue eyes wide. She closed her door as she realized that _she_ had done that, just differently.

Roxas walked over to him and said, "You know what? When we met, I didn't think you just a big, stupid, ugly ogre." Sora looked at him, and said, "Yeah, I know."

"So, uh, are there any hunkeys up there?"

"Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying."

"Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?"

"That's the moon."

"Oh, okay."

Somewhere, far, far away, a curtain rustled in the wind. Pink coated the room, the wedding dress and suit were already made. Elizabeth-Mama Huar- had been turned into a carpet, she didn't really fit the room.

"Again. Show me again," Xemnas ordered Mirror as he lay in bed. The music rewinded, and Xemnas commanded, "Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess."

"Hmph," the Mirror groaned, and he disappeared and showed Xemnas the picture of Naminé. The music resumed.

"Ah. Perfect," Xemnas cooed, and he inhaled, looking at the Mirror.


	11. Merry Men

Naminé walked outside early the next morning. She looked over her shoulder to see Sora snoring. She walked into the woods, and danced. She saw a bird, and started vocalizing. For those of you who don't know what that means, it means singing like Ariel in _The Little Mermaid, _just Naminé sang a different tune. The bird whistled the same tune. Naminé vocalized, the bird sang. Then they sang high-pitched, and the bird, um, blew up, leaving only his feet with no signs of internal organs. Naminé cringed, then saw the eggs in the nest.

She was cooking them over a fire when Sora woke up. He looked at her, and Roxas mumbled, "Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it."

"Roxas, wake up," Sora ordered, shaking the hunkey's head.

"Huh? What?" he mumbled.

"Wake up," Sora replied.

"What?"

"Good morning," Naminé greeted. "Um, how do you like your eggs?"

"Good morning, Princess!" Roxas replied, finally fully awake.

"What's all this about?" Sora asked, surprised.

"Um, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday, and I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me," she said, setting the eggs in front of them.

"Uh, thanks," Sora said, scratching his ear. Roxas sniffed them, then smiled.

"Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us," she said, walking away. Sora and Roxas looked at each other, then looked at her.

After they ate, the trio was walking along the road when Sora noisily belched. "Sora!" Roxas reprimanded.

"What? It's a compliment," Sora explained. "Better out than in, I always say." He laughed as Roxas rolled his eyes. "Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess," Roxas conceded. But, surprisingly, Naminé belched. They looked at her, and she said, "Thanks," and walked ahead of them.

"She's as nasty as you are," Roxas noted, bewildered.

Sora laughed. "You know, you're not exactly what I expected," he told her. "Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you know them," she shot back good-naturedly. She vocalized, leaving Sora standing there, shocked, and wondering whether she had heard them.

"_La liberte_! Hey!" a fox came out of nowhere and grabbed Naminé on a vine and swung away.

"Princess!" Sora cried,.

They landed on a tree branch, the fox laughing. "What are you doing?" Naminé asked, annoyed.

"Be still, _mon cherie_, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green-" he kissed up her arm, disgusting her-"beast."

"Hey!" Sora hollered, causing them to look down. "That's my princess! Go find your own!"

"Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?" the fox called down, but Naminé shoved him.

"Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!" she began, but he interrupted her.

"Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude, a la la. Please let me introducer myself. Oh, Merry Men!" he called, then laughed. A badger with an accordion came down on a swing, and then the bushes started to move. Animals leaped out from behind, singing, "_Ta, dah, dah, dah, woo, woo_."

The fox leaped in front of them, and sang, "_I steal from the rich and give to the needy,"_

Another sang, "_He takes a wee percentage,"_

_ "But I'm not greedy!_

_ I rescue pretty damsels,_

_ Man, I'm good."_

_ "What a guy, Robin Hood,"_ the animals but the fox sang.

"Break it down," Robin Hood commanded. They then proceeded to dance an Irish step dance of some kind, even though RH spoke French. Meh, who knows what goes in the minds of deformed hunimals?

RH:_I like an honest fight_

_ And a saucy little maid._

_ "What he's basically saying is he likes to get-"_ the Merry Men sang.

_ "Paid,"_ sang RH.

MM: _So…_

RH :_When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush,_

_ That's bad!_

MM: _That's bad._

RH: _When a beauty's with a beast,_

_ It makes me awfully mad._

MM: _He's mad,_

_ He's really, really mad._

RH:_ Now I'll take my blade and_

_ I'll ram it through your heart. _

_ Keep your eyes on me, boys,_

_ 'Cause I'm about to start_!

Suddenly, RH was hit in the head, and he hit his head on a rock, and became unconscious. Naminé somersaulted in the air and gave a Karate yell, and the Merry Men gasped. As she landed, she panted as Sora and Roxas stared at her in shock. "Man, that was annoying!" she ranted.

"Oh, you little-" one of the Merry Men cried, firing one of his arrows, but she moved out of the way, Roxas jumped into Sora's arms, and it bounced off a tree. Naminé performed many handstands to get to the shooter, and she punched him in multiple places, then pushed him away with a high-five to the face. She elbowed Little John, a huge bear, then punched him with the back of her hand as he snuck up on her. She hit him with his braid. She jumped up into the air with a karate yell as he and another lunged at her, and time froze as she looked at them, then fixed her hair. Time went back to normal as she kicked them both in the face. Friar Tuck, the badger, chased her, playing the accordion. She ran up a tree, and flipped off, landing in front of him. He lifted his accordion to guard his face, and she punched right through it, and he fell to the ground. Another Merry Man ran at her, shouting. She turned, jumped into the air, turned, kicked him into the face, and then landed into a fighting pose.

Naminé walked over to the ogre and the hunkey. She chuckled nervously, fixed her hair, and asked, "Um, shall we?" She walked on, but Sora and Roxas just stared after her. "Hold the phone," Sora declared, dropping Roxas, and followed her.

"Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now," Sora cried, catching up to her. "Where did that come from?"

"What?"

"That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?"

Naminé, flattered, replied, "Well-" she chuckled-"When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-There's an arrow in your butt!"

"What?" he asked. He looked, and said nonchalantly, "Oh, would you look at that?"

"Oh, no. This is all my fault," she panicked. "I'm so sorry."

"Why? What's wrong?" Roxas asked, who had caught up to them.

"Sora's hurt," she explained.

"Sora's hurt. Sora's hurt? Oh, no. Sora's gonna die?" Roxas freaked out.

"Oh, you can't do this to me, Sora. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?"

"Roxas! Calm down." Naminé yanked at the hunkey's ear, and kneeled down next to him. "If you want to help Sora, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns."

"Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns," Roxas said, running off. He turned his head to say, "Don't die, Sora. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!"

"Roxas!" Sora and Naminé shouted at the same time.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns," Roxas realized, running off.

"What are the flowers for?" Sora asked, confused.

"For getting red of Roxas," she explained.

"Ah."

"Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out." Naminé pulled, but Sora gave a cry of pain and jumped away. "Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'."

"Well I'm sorry, but it has to come out."

"No, it's tender." He kept dancing away as she tried to grab it. He eventually put his hand on her face. She took it off, and said, "Okay. What do you propose we do?"

During that time, Roxas was muttering, "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns." Suddenly, he heard Sora's cry of "Ow!" and hollered back, "Hold on, Sora! I'm comin!" He grabbed some flowers, and ran back.

Sora was on his knees, declaring, "Ow! Not good."

Naminé, who had both hands on the arrow, muttered, "Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head. It's just about-"

Sora had had enough, and he flipped over onto his back, accidentally causing Naminé to fall onto his stomach. They looked at each other, and heard an, "Ahem." They looked to see Roxas looking at them knowingly.

"Nothing happened. We were just, uh-" Sora struggled to find words, throwing Naminé off him.

"Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?" Roxas told them.

"Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind," Sora protested. "The princess here was just-Ugh!" he cried as Naminé pulled the arrow out of his butt. He looked at her, and she smirked, waving the menace. "Ow!" he whispered hoarsely.

"Hey, what's that?" Roxas chuckled nervously. "That's-Is that blood?" He sighed, and fainted.


	12. Weedrat Dinner

Birds chirped as Naminé walked over to the unconscious Roxas. She knelt down, and Sora picked him up, slung him over his shoulder, and they walked on. Along the way, Roxas woke up, and Sora climbed up a tree so they could walk across a creek. He fell with the tree, and ended up on the other side. As Naminé patted his back, he grinned goofily, got up, and Roxas was flung off the tree to the side they were trying to leave. They walked through a meadow, and Sora was trying to wave the flies away. Naminé ran ahead, and took a branch with a spider-web on it. She ran around, catching them, and turned it into cotton candy. A gross cotton candy. She gave it to Sora, and he took a huge bite out of it as she licked some off her fingers.

Later, he caught a frog, and blew it up like it was a balloon. He took some string from somewhere, and actually turned it into a balloon. A snake hissed, and Naminé grabbed it, blew into it, and twisted it so it was a balloon animal of an odd dog. They exchanged balloons, and walked ahead, pushing each other playfully. After Sora pushed her into a bush, he ran ahead, and they both let go of their balloons. She chased after him; she was laughing, as was he.

A little while later, the trio ended up right outside the windmill, with Xemnas' castle in the distance. "There it is, Princess," Sora said sadly, pointing. "Your future awaits you."

"That's DuLoc?" Naminé asked, sad.

"Yeah, I know. You know, Sora thinks Lord Xemnas' compensating for something," Roxas said, pushing his way in between the two, "which I think means he has a really-Ow!"

"Um, I, uh-I guess we better move on," Sora said, not apologizing for kicking the poor hunkey, walking away.

"Sure," Naminé replied. "But, Sora?" He turned, and she said, "I'm-I'm worried about Roxas."

"What?" Sora asked, confused.

"I mean, look at him," she protested.

"What are you talking about? I'm fine," Roxas replied. She grabbed his face, and said, "That's what they always say, and then the next thing you know, you're on back." When he looked at her and raised an eyebrow, she explained, "Dead."

Sora, seeing that she was trying to stall, confirmed with mock concern, "You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?"

"You know what, I'll make you some tea," Naminé said.

"Well I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look," Roxas moaned, causing his bones to crunch. "Ow! See?"

Seeing that the plan had worked, Sora announced happily, "Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner."

"I'll get the firewood," Naminé replied just as cheerfully. The two walked off and Roxas cried, "Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!" He looked down and cried, "I don't have any toes!" He sat down and whimpered, "I think I need a hug."

As sunset approached, Sora was roasting two weedrats over a fire as Naminé ate one on a stick. "Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is _really_ good," she declared. As she took another bite, Sora smiled proudly. "What is this?"

"Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style," he replied as he gave the stick another twirl.

"No kidding," she said, a little shocked. She shrugged it off, and complimented, "Well, this is delicious."

"Well, they're also great in stews," he informed her. "Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew." She chuckled as she wiped her mouth, then looked at the castle and sighed, "I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night."

Sora gulped his mouthful down, and said hopefully, "Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-you name it." He slid a weedrat off and popped it in his mouth as she chuckled and replied, "I'd like that." He slurped the tail down, and laughed a little. They smiled at each other, and Sora asked, "Um, Princess?"

"Yes, Sora?"

"I, um, I was wondering. Are you-" he sighed, realizing he couldn't ask. He reluctantly asked, "Are you gonna eat that?" As she looked down and slid it off, he clenched his fist and looked at it angrily, then turned back to her without that expression as she gave it to him. He chuckled, and they both leaned in when Roxas popped his head up and said, "Man, isn't this just romantic? Look at that sunset."

"Sunset?" Naminé asked, panicked. She leaped up and cried, "Oh, no! I mean," she covered, "it's late. I-It's very late."

"What?" Sora asked.

"Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?" Roxas said.

"Yes!" she replied, relieved. "Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I better go inside." She gave a huge sigh of relief, but Roxas said, "Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark." Sora sighed as Naminé said, "Good night." She walked to the door as Sora replied, "Good night." She looked back, the door creaked, and she went inside. Roxas cried, "Ohh! Now I see what's really goin' on here."

"Oh, what are you talkin' about?" Sora demanded.

"Hey, I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts, and I know that you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it," Roxas said.

"Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Xemnas."

"Oh, come on, Sora," Roxas sighed, exasperated. "Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel."

"I-There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-" Sora struggled for words-"she's a princess, and I'm-"

"An ogre?"

"Yeah. An ogre." Sora stalked off.

"Hey, where you goin'?

"To get...more firewood."

Roxas looked after him, then at the pile of firewood beside himself, then back at Sora. Sora sat in front of a sunflower field, sighing, and stared at Xemnas' castle. He stayed there into the night.


	13. You Ate the Princess!

"Princess?" Roxas called, opening the door. He walked in as he didn't see her, "Princess Naminé?" He looked around, and walked inside. "Princess, where are you?" He jumped as bats fluttered above him, and he walked inside even more, fearful. "Princess?" He jumped as he heard the ladder creak as a green hand laid on the post. He gasped, and walked towards the sound. "It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games," he called, scared. A green woman peeked out from behind the post, walked slowly across the boardwalk, and…

Fell through the floor, screaming. Roxas leapt back, scared as she slowly got up.

"AAH!" Roxas screamed as she cried, "No, no! Shh!"

"Sora! Sora! Sora!" he hollered.

"No, it's okay. It's okay," she assured him, revealing herself to be an ogre.

"What did you do with the princess?" he demanded fearfully.

"Roxas, shh, I'm the princess."

"Aah!"

"It's me, in this body," she explained.

"Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?"

"Roxas!"

"Listen, keep breathing! ("No!") I'll get you out of there! Sora! Sora! Sora!" She grabbed his mouth and murmured, "Shh. This is me." Roxas' mumbling was muffled, her sky blue eyes looked into his electric blue ones, and she smiled. She took her hand off his mouth, and asked incredulously, "Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different."

"I'm ugly, okay?"

"Well, yeah! (A/N: Jeez, you could disagree with her!) Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Sora those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-"

"No," she interrupted. "I-I've been this way as long as I can remember."

"What do you mean? Look, I ain't ever seen you like this before."

"It only happens when the sun goes down." Naminé looked into a barrel of water, and recited, "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."

"Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry," Roxas complimented.

"It's a spell," she cried, exasperated. She sighed, and said, "When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become _this_. This horrible, ugly beast!" She slapped the water, and accidentally sprayed Roxas. She calmed down and said, "I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Xemnas tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this." She sat on a bed and gave a little sob.

"All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly." He thought for a second, then said, "Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Sora's ugly 24/7," Roxas said, sitting on the bed next to her.

"But, Roxas, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look," Naminé sobbed, hiding her face in her hands.

An idea formed in Roxas' head. "Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Xemnas?"

"I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell."

"But you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Sora-well, you got a lot in common."

"Sora?"

Outside, Sora walked up to the windmill, holding a sunflower, practicing his speech. "Princess, I-Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-uh, uh-" he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go."

"I can't just marry whoever I want," Naminé said. "Take a good look at me, Roxas. I mean, really," Sora peered inside, and listened to, "who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? 'Princess' and 'ugly' don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Sora." He gasped and recoiled away from the door. "My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love." He deeply sighed, and she continued, "Don't you see, Roxas? That's just how it has to be." In anger, he threw the flower down and stalked away.

"It's the only way to break the spell," Naminé continued.

"Well you gotta at least tell Sora the truth," Roxas countered, getting up and jumping off.

"No!" Naminé gasped. "You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know."

"What's the point in being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?"

"Promise you won't tell. Promise!"

"All right, all right," Roxas surrendered, walking away. "I won't tell him. But you should." He pushed the door open, and walked out, muttering, "I just know before this over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'." She opened the door after he walked down the steps, and noticed the sunflower. She picked it up, looked around, and then went back inside.

Roxas made his way to the campfire, looked for Sora, then settled down for the night.


	14. The Proposal

In the morning, as Roxas snored, Naminé plucked at the sunflower petals, saying, "I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him!" she cried, standing up and racing to the door.

"Sora! Sora, there's something I want-" She stopped as she noticed that Roxas snoring was the only thing moving-other than the sun. She shielded her eyes as sparkles encased her, and the grass and Roxas' hair was ruffled. When she took her hand down, she was human once again. When she looked up, she noticed Sora was stomping up the hill, looking angry. She ran down the steps and called, "Sora. Are you all right?"

"Perfect! Never been better," he snapped, walking straight past her, blowing her off.

"I-I don't-There's something I have to tell you," she started, but he cut her off. "You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night."

"You heard what I said?"

"Every word." He was suddenly sad as he sat down, but then went back to mad.

"I though you'd understand," she sighed.

"Oh, I understand. Like you said, 'Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?'"

"But I thought that wouldn't matter to you," she said slowly.

"Yeah? Well, it does."

She gasped, then sighed.

"Ah, right on time," Sora stated as a horse whinnied. "Princess, I've brought you a little something." A fanfare sounded as Naminé looked sadly at the horses, where Lord Xemnas was riding up. Roxas yawned, and got up, moaning, "What'd I miss? What'd I miss?" As a guard glared down as they walked past, he muttered, "Who said that? Couldn't have been a hunkey."

Xemnas rode right up to the ogre and the princess, and stated, "Princess Naminé."

"As promised. Now hand it over," Sora snapped, standing up.

"Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind," Xemnas said icily as Sora snatched the paper before turning back to Naminé. "Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Xemnas."

"Lord Xemnas? Oh, no, no," she said before he snapped his fingers. Guards ran over, and she quickly said, "Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short…farewell." She ended awkwardly as she finally saw what Sora and Roxas had been getting at when she first met them.

"Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings."

"No, you're right. It doesn't," Naminé agreed angrily, causing Sora's ears to droop sadly.

"Princess Naminé, beautiful, fair, flawless Naminé. I ask your hand in marriage," Xemnas declared, dropping to one knee as he grabbed her hand, pulling her down. "Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?" She looked up at Sora, who sadly turned away.

"Lord Xemnas, I accept. Nothing would make-"

"Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!" Sora started to walk away when Naminé cried, "No!" Sora turned hopefully around. "I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today, before the sun sets." Sora turned, crushed, and walked off.

"Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do!" He and she were lifted onto the horse as he continued, "There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain Xaldin, round up some guests!"

"Fare-thee-well, ogre," Naminé called, waving.

Roxas sprinted up, crying, "Sora, what are you doing? You're letting her get away!"

"Yeah? So what?"

"Sora, there's something about her that you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-"

"Yeah, I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such great friends, why don't you follow _her_ home?" he snapped, walking away.

"Sora, I-I wanna go with you."

"Hey, I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking hunkeys!"

"But I thought-"

"Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!" Sora's voice cracked when he said 'what.' He walked away, leaving Roxas to stand there, hurt and confused. "Sora," he muttered, then sat down.


	15. That's What Friends Are For

Sora threw the door open, and gasped in shock, "Roxas?" Roxas was nudging sticks with his head, and had already formed an odd line. "What are you doing?"

"I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one," he snapped back as Sora walked forwards.

"Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it."

"It is, around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half."

"Oh! You half! Hmm."

"Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head." Sora picked up one of the sticks, and Roxas headbutted it. Now, you'd think Roxas would get splinters, but hunimals have heads like their animal half.

"Back off!" Sora cried, exasperated.

"No, you back off."

"This is my swamp.

"Our swamp."

"Let go, Roxas!"

"You let go."

"Stubborn jackass!"

"Smelly ogre."

"Fine!" Sora let go, and Roxas fell over on his face. He shook, and when he saw Sora walk off, he cried, "Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet."

"Well, I'm through with you."

"Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 'Me, me, me!' Well guess what! Now, it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away."

"Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?" Sora stopped in front of the outhouse.

"Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!"

"Oh, yeah. You're right, Roxas. I forgive you…for stabbin' me in the back!" He stomped inside.

"Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!" Roxas cried, exasperated.

"Go away."

"See? There you are, doing it again just like you did to Naminé. And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you."

"Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking."

"She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else."

Sora slowly opened the door and timidly asked, "She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?"

"Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?" Roxas replied, trying to keep his promise, and turned away.

"Roxas!"

"No!"

"Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?" Roxas glared at him, then turned around, muttering, "Hmph."

Sora sighed, and sincerely said, "I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?"

Roxas looked at him skeptically-the traditional Roxas look-then smiled and jovially said, "Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"

"Right. Friends?" Sora stuck his hand down, and Roxas placed his hoof in it and said, "Friends."

Sora stood up, and said, "So, um, what did Naminé say about me?"

"What are you asking me for? Why don't you go ask her?"

Sora slapped his head and cried, "The wedding! We'll never make it in time."

"Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way." Roxas whistled, and Sora looked up to see Xion flying above them.

"Roxas?" he asked warily, but Roxas laughed and declared as she landed, "I guess it's just my hunimal magnetism."

Sora laughed and gave Roxas a knuckle sandwich. "Aw, come here, you."

"All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet," he informed as Sora climbed up the chain. Roxas was lifted up by her hand, and they flew off. Roxas laughed and cried, "Whoo!"


	16. The Wedding

Bells rang over DuLoc as Xemnas and Naminé prepared to wed. People "ooh"ed and "aah"ed as men held the appropriate cards.

"People of DuLoc," the priest began, "we gather here today to bear witness to the union-"

"Um-" Naminé tried to interrupt.

"-of our new king-"

"Excuse me. Uh, could we just skip ahead to the 'I do's?'"

Xemnas chuckled. "Go on," he urged the priest.

The guards outside the chapel scattered as Xion nearly landed in top of them. Sora sprinted to the chapel, but Roxas stayed behind and told her, "Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that?" Xion nodded, and they went their separate ways.

"Sora, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"There's a line you gotta wait for. The priest is gonna say, 'Speak now or forever hold your peace.' That's when you say, 'I object!'"

"I don't have time for this!" Sora raced for the door, but Roxas, "Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!" He slammed the ogre against the door, and said, "Look, you love this woman, don't you?"

"Yes."

"You wanna hold her?"

"Yes."

"Please her?"

"Yes!"

"_Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness_! The chicks love that romantic crap!"

"All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?"

"We gotta check it out."

"And so, by the power vested in me," the priest said as Roxas grunted, jumping to the window.

"What do you see?" Sora asked.

"The whole town's in there. They're at the altar. Mother Fletcher! He already said it!"

"Oh, for the love of Pete!" Sora cried, sprinting away, leaving Roxas, who fell to the floor.

Just as Xemnas and Naminé were just about to kiss, Sora thrust the doors open, sprinted down the aisle, and shouted, "I object!"

"Sora?" Naminé gasped, happy. The priest gasped, and hurried away.  
"Oh, now what does he want?" Xemnas cried, exasperated.

The crowd screamed as Sora passed them. He smirked and said, "Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean."

"What are you doing here?" Naminé asked, pretending to be annoyed.

"Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-" Xemnas ranted.

"Naminé! I need to talk to you," Sora cut him off.

"Oh, now you wanna talk?" she snapped. "Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me-" she leaned down to kiss Xemnas, but Sora grabbed her arm.

"But you can't marry him," he said.

"And why not?" she asked.

"Because-Because he's marrying you just so he can be king."

"Outrageous! Naminé, don't listen to him," Xemnas started.

"He's not your true love," Sora cried.

"And what do you know about true love?" she asked.

"Well, I-Uh-" Sora stuttered as everyone realized what he was trying to say. "I mean-"

"Oh, this is precious!" Xemnas cackled. "The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. An ogre and a princess!" One of the card boys brought out a card that said, _Laugh_, and the crowd started laughing.

Sora despairingly looked at the crowd, and started to wish he was invisible, when Naminé murmured, "Sora, is this true?" Sora looked at her and was about to answer when Xemnas said, "Who cares? It's preposterous! Naminé, my love, we're but a kiss away from our 'happily ever after.' Now kiss me! Mmmm!" He puckered his lips, and Naminé looked at the window.


	17. Love's True Form

The sun was setting over the horizon, and Naminé murmured, "By night one way, by day another." She looked at her and Xemnas' intertwined hands, and pulled away. She looked at Sora as she stepped into the last few rays, saying, "I wanted to show you before." She smiled, and closed her eyes as she was once again encased in sparkles. Smoke flew around her until you could no longer see her, and when it was gone, she was an ogre once more. The crowd gasped, and a woman fainted as Naminé opened her eyes.

Sora, shocked, said, "Well, uh, that explains a lot." She smiled, but Xemnas declared, "Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight! Get them! Get them both!"

"No, no!" Naminé cried, sprinting towards Sora, but just as they were about to grasp each other's hand, the guards grabbed them.

"This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?" Xemnas announced, placing the crown on his head.

"No, let got of me! Sora!" Naminé cried, fighting.

"No!" Sora cried back, reaching out to her.

"Don't just stand there, you morons," Xemnas said.

"Get out of my way," Sora snapped as he hit one of the guards in the head. "Naminé!" He hit more of the guards as they lunged themselves at him.

"I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!" Xemnas laughed at Sora, and Naminé cried, "No! Sora!"

"And as for you, my wife-" Xemnas said, brandishing a dagger and pointing it at her neck.

"Naminé!" Sora hollered in fear.

"I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king!" Sora managed to free an arm and whistled loudly. "I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-" Xemnas was interrupted by a roar, and Xion crashed through a stained-glass window, with Roxas on her back. Xemnas screamed as she opened her mouth, and ate him.

Roxas made his way to her head and announced, "All right. Nobody move. I got a hugon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a hunkey on the edge!" Xion roared as the guards let go of the ogres and scattered. Xion burped, and the crown flew out. Roxas laughed. "Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?" The crowd cheered, realizing what had just happened.

Roxas looked down at his two best friends, and said, "Go ahead, Sora."

The two ogres smiled, and Sora walked up behind Naminé and said, "Uh, Naminé?"

"Yes, Sora?"

"I-I love you," he said.

"Really?"

"Really, really," he replied.

Naminé smiled and said, "I love you, too." The two kissed gently, and sparkles flew around Naminé. Lexaeus took a card and blue marker, and the crowd went, "Aaww!"

Sparkles and smoke flew around Naminé and she was lifted into the air, and the lovers had to let each other go, and Naminé finished the spell-except it was a voiceover, and not actually her talking-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." Her voice echoed as she spun around and was encased in light; Sora shielded his eyes. The dust blew away with a force so great, it shattered all the stained glass windows.

"Take love's true form," echoed as Naminé gracefully fell to the floor, lying down. Xion, noticing that only one window had survived, punched it.

"Naminé?" Sora asked quietly, walking over to her. "Naminé. Are you all right?" He helped her up, and she replied, "Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful."

Sora shook his head in amazement, and told her, "But you _are_ beautiful." The two of them smiled at each other, and Roxas said, "I was hoping this would be a happy ending." Sora and Naminé nearly kissed, but Sora looked at the camera, and covered it with his hand.


	18. I'm A Believer

Petals floated down from the sky as the song "I'm a Believer" played, and Sora and Naminé kissed. The Seven Dwarfs provided the music, and all the fairy tale creatures clapped, and one of the guards started to cry. He was comforted by Zeke.

Sora nodded his head at the aisle while looking at his new wife. The two sprinted down the aisle, and the Fairy Godmother turned the Three Blind Mice into horses and a driver. An onion was turned into, well, an onion carriage. The newlyweds hopped inside, and Naminé tossed her bouquet out the back window. Snow White and Cinderella fought for it, but Xion caught it and held it out to Roxas, who bashfully looked at his two best friends. Sora waved two fingers at him, and Roxas looked back lovingly at Xion, and nuzzled her with his face.

The carriage sped off, and the guests waved. Demyx, missing half of a leg and using a candy cane for support, said, "God bless us, every one." He winked at the camera.

At the reception, Roxas was at the mike, and was singing as everyone danced. "Come on, y'all!_ Then I saw her face!_ Ha-ha!_ Now I'm a believer!_ Listen!_ Not a trace of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried. Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace! _Uhh! Yeah!_ Of doubt in my mind! _One more time!_ I'm in love! I'm a believer!_ Come on!_ I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey!_ Y'all sing it with me! _I…Believe! I…Believe!_ People in the back! _I believe! I'm a believer! I believe!_" As the rest of the party sang, Sora and Naminé rode off into the horizon in their onion carriage, and the book closed.

Roxas laughed hysterically. "Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh." The screen went black as he said, "I can't breathe. I can't breathe."


	19. Credits

Haley Joel Osment as Sora, Sora as Shrek

Jesse McCartney as Roxas, Roxas as Donkey

Meaghan Jette Martin as Naminé, Naminé as Princess Fiona

Paul St. Peter as Xemnas, Xemnas as Lord Farquaad

Robin Williams as Robin Hood, Robin Hood as Monsieur Hood

David Dayan Fisher as Xaldin, Xaldin as Captain of Guards

Robert Ellis as Cubby, Cubby as Baby Bear

Tony Pope as Geppetto, Geppetto as Himself

Corey Burton as Magic Mirror, Mirror as Itself

Susan Blakeslee as Maleficent, Maleficent as Old Woman

Christopher Steele as Peter Pan, Peter Pan as Himself

Three Blind Mice as Themselves

Dave Boat as Lexaeus, Lexaeus as Thelonious

Ryan O'Donohue as Demyx, Demyx as Gingerbread Man

Disney's Merry Men as Monsieur Hood's Merry Men

Alyson Stoner as Xion, Xion as Dragon

Seth Adkins as Pinocchio, Pinocchio as Himself

Practical, Fifer, and Fidder Pig as Three Little Pigs

Zeke Midas Wolf as Big Bad Wolf

**OK! I finally figured out ! YAY!**

…**Anyways, thanks so much for reading this! Please review! I'd REALLY appreciate it! Thanks!**

**kingdomdisney, out!**


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